Three Main Reasons Marriages Struggle

Learn how you and your spouse can overcome common marriage struggles and grow stronger together!

Every marriage can hit rough terrain from time to time. For instance, piled-up bills, sick kids, and even overstepping in-laws can cause frustration and bring about undue stress. And somewhere along the way, in between all the other challenges you face as a couple, the two of you soon start feeling more like roommates than teammates. If this marriage song sounds familiar to you, rest assured in this: the presence of marriage struggles doesn’t automatically mean your union is falling apart. It does, however, indicate that you’ve bumped into one of a few common troubles that nearly every couple faces at some point.

After 30-plus years of marriage, and now years of coaching couples through their own hard seasons, we’ve noticed the same three culprits keep showing up and wreaking havoc. Our top three culprits for making marriages struggle include: unrealistic expectations, poor communication, and a lack of sex.

The good news? Yes, there’s good news! None of these reasons have to be the end of your love story. Depending on your level of love and commitment to one another and your views on life and marriage, the presence of these culprits could also present opportunities to help you grow closer and build a stronger marriage bond. In other words, when it comes to facing struggles in your marriage, it’s all about perspective and how you both see the challenges as they come. And trust us, they will come!

1- Do You Have Unrealistic Expectations About Marriage?

Most of us walk down the aisle carrying a private list of hopes, dreams, assumptions, and ideas about the following:

• How household finances will be managed regularly
• Having or not having children, and our philosophies about raising them and/or step-children
• Spousal roles and responsibilities pertaining to household and work/careers

Sadly, we rarely share these expectations out loud with the person we’re about to marry or have already married. As a result, our spouse has no idea they’re even being measured against certain expectations—realistic or not. And for this reason, we list unrealistic expectations as one of the top three marriage struggles.

For example, one partner may assume finances will always be split evenly, while the other pictures a single household budget. Or the Mrs. may expect date nights every Friday, while Mr. imagines quiet nights on the couch, viewing it as quality time together. When neither the husband nor the wife discuss their expectations in marriage, over time, they’ll both silently build disappointment in each other. And unfortunately, not sharing their marital needs and expectations can eventually lead to resentment and regret.

The one thing many couples don’t always take into account when entering a marriage? It’s ongoing work!

Body physiques can change, illnesses will come and go, and finances rise and fall, just to name a very few issues. Bottom line? Life keeps on happening whether we’re ready for it or not. And then when children arrive, everything changes again! These instances will require both spouses to work together, shifting and adjusting to each change with realistic grace, patience, and love.

Marriage isn’t a one-time decision made at the altar; it’s about daily dos and decisions to keep showing up with commitment, sacrifice, mutual respect, and cooperation, even when the season is hard.

Premarital counseling is a must for engaged couples, and marriage coaching is essential for couples who are already facing this particular marriage struggle.

Premarital counseling and coaching get to the bottom of expectations to expose what’s realistic and what’s not. According to an article in Psychology Today, research by Scott Stanley found that couples who completed premarital counseling were 31 percent less likely to divorce than couples who skipped it altogether.

Couples who never sit down before the wedding to talk through their expectations often enter marriage without any mutual guidelines for what they’ll build together. Thus, having a structured conversation before saying, “I do,” can save years of silent misunderstandings and struggles in marriage.

2- Although It’s Not Listed As Such, Marriage Struggle #1 is Lack of Communication.

If unrealistic expectations plant the seed of disconnection, then poor communication is what causes it to grow unchecked. According to a study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), over 67% of marriages end in divorce due to lack of or poor communication. And for this reason, communication problems remain the number one struggle leading to marriages failing. Unfortunately, this insight lines up with what we hear from couples all the time.

Ironically, with so many social media outlets, we live in the most “connected” era in history. Yet many spouses communicate more through texts, emojis, and memes than through actual face-to-face, distraction-free conversation. These days, it’s easy to send a quick digital message and consider that as connecting. Although it’s convenient, it can never replace genuine conversation. There is a true joy that can come from sitting before your spouse and looking into their eyes to ask how they’re really doing.

We find that couples miss so much when daily check-ins disappear or when those honest five-to-ten-minute pillow talks before bed take a back seat to the TV. However, as you and your spouse consistently check in on each other’s mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional state, you keep small issues from becoming big ones. Real communication is more than small talk; it involves making connections, active listening, eye contact, and your undivided attention. Additionally, communication can make your spouse feel heard, valued, and known.

3- Sex & Intimacy: Not Happening Enough or At All

Physical intimacy in marriage is often one of the first activities to fade away under stress, and one of the last things couples openly discuss. Yet studies link a consistent sex life to overall marital satisfaction. One recent analysis found that couples who maintained a weekly rhythm of sexual intimacy reported satisfaction rates around 85 percent, compared to just 17 percent among couples having sex monthly or less.

We’ve also learned that intimacy is more than just having sex. It’s the intentional hugs, kisses, soft touches, and all the little contacts made throughout the day that make for marital peace and stability. And overall marital satisfaction doesn’t just come from physical contact; it comes from the emotional connections and bonds made.

So what’s pulling couples apart in the bedroom and causing marriages to struggle? It’s the common issues that pull everyone apart: work stress and exhaustion, and digital screens and phones that consistently compete for our attention throughout the day and night. In addition, there’s marital conflict, unresolved resentment from past arguments, and the simple, yet destructive, drifting into separate routines. However, intimacy rarely disappears overnight. It fades gradually, one distracted evening at a time, until the distance feels normal, appearing without notice or discussion.

Thankfully, couples who learn to prioritize the following activities tend to find their way back to each other and back into the bedroom.

• Quality time together
• Holding real conversations with undivided attention
• And shared laughter

Overcoming Marriage Struggles & Growing Stronger Together

None of these three struggles have to define your marriage. We believe every couple who is committed to doing the work has the capacity to reconnect, heal, and build something stronger than before, especially with the right support. And for those who cannot or don’t know how to move forward and push past the struggles, this is where marriage coaching becomes a powerful tool.

Marriage Coaching Opens Lines of Communication

Coaching offers couples a safe, guided space to talk through the exact issues that feel too tender or too tangled to navigate alone. Through proven techniques and honest conversation, coaches help husbands and wives communicate more effectively, rebuild trust, and reach mutual understanding rather than staying stuck in the same painful cycles. The goal in coaching is never to assign blame, but to help people reconnect, resolve conflict, and remember why they chose to marry each other in the first place.

God’s Word Brings Peace & Restoration

Additionally, Scripture reminds us that love and forgiveness aren’t fickle feelings we fall into. They are commands from God that we must live out daily if we desire to obtain resolution, peace, and restored joy in our marriages. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34

The kind of love Jesus is referring to takes intention, humility, and grace, especially during the hard seasons. And if we’re intentional about genuinely loving our spouse, we can grow closer and stronger together, one honest conversation at a time.

If your marriage seems to be struggling, there’s help for you! You’re not alone, and it is not too late to reach out for help. Whether you’re preparing for marriage and considering premarital counseling, walking through a rough patch, or want to grow closer, we would love to assist you.

 Let’s get started!